NABLOPOMO

The Nablopomo prompt for today – What was your biggest fear as a child? Do you still have it today? If it went away, when did your feelings changes?

Did I have fears – oh yes I did.  I was a child full of fear and worry.

The first fear that I actually remember is of a treasured ornament my mother had. It was a Toby Jug – a scary container in the shape of an old, animated face.  Now I loved my grandmother – but this face reminded me of her and in my childish mind I imagined it was her but instead of being comforted I was scared silly and wondered where the rest of her was.  I could not express this to my mother at the time, all I could do was cry and tremble and to this day I remember how terrified I was. It was fairly large and stood on the floor next to the door or on a low table, my memory is dim on the detail but I know that I could not walk past it without the terror gripping me.  I remember her holding me on her lap and talking to me about the jug, reassuring me that it was just an inanimate object and nothing to be bothered about. Logic did not come into it and I just buried my head in her her soft,warm shoulder, refusing to look.  Wisely this jug was put out of sight until I’d outgrown the fear!  After my mother died it was sent to Baby Brother overseas but was broken in transit much to our distress.

Ours was similar to this!

I wonder why I had this next fear which I only vaguely remember now – probably because of the constant reminders about it. Driving through an avenue of trees scared me silly. I know I hated Fairy Tales and it was probably the thought of Hansel and Gretel lost in the woods and meeting the evil witch that did it!  One wonders how such gruesome tales could ever have been told to innocent children though they’re mild compared to the monster stories the children of today lap up.   Being the sensitive little innocent that I was those tales of witches fattening up little children for the pot had a damaging effect on me – no not really but it did colour my attitude toward stepmothers until I become one of those wicked creatures myself.  Aha – then I started to think about it from her point of view. (No, I didn’t eat or try to poison my stepdaughters.)

Even worse – they had to share accommodation!

When I was about four years old I had a scary dream the like of which has never been repeated.  There was a dark, spooky house behind the one in which we lived (in the dream) and I ventured into it only to encounter skeletons and ghosts and the scariest of monsters the images of which live with me to this day. How at four I could have dreamed up such a thing I do not know as there was no Television to infect my mind in 1957.   I woke up screaming and my mother rushed in to comfort me. I told her every detail of the dream and she soothed me back to sleep. That was the best part of the experience and I can still smell here sleepiness and feel her warm softness as she held me close and settled me down. Yet when I reminded her of this dream when I was an adult, she had no recollection of it at all.  A wise friend told me – well she had four children whose troubles she sorted you know – she’s not going to remember every one of them!   So very true.  I, myself, tend to suppress awful things that have happened to my children.  My baby was very ill and when the doctor came to examine her he got down on his knees to examine her in her camp cot on my mother’s lounge floor. She reminded me of this when my daughter was about 10 and I simply couldn’t remember it!  So weird what the mind retains and what it rejects!

Of course I outgrew my fears and today I don’t consider myself a fearful person other than when flying or sailing in small boats!  But those I have control over. It’s up to me to fly or not or sail or not.

But fearing for my children, I have no control over.  I send up a silent prayer for them every day and put the angels on duty to protect them.  I call out to the universe to keep them all safe – that includes my daughters, their kids and my nieces and nephews and their kids.   I cannot even bear to think that anything bad should happen to any of them.  I don’t worry about who they will marry, where they will live or how they will conduct themselves in life – that is up to them. They are all beautiful and adorable and I just want them to live happy, healthy and very long lives.  God bless them all.